When we prepare to move abroad, we are usually preoccupied with practical questions. Where will we live? What will the new job be like? Will the salary be enough? How do we sort out all the paperwork? What is much harder to prepare for is how it will actually feel to live in another country.
That a simple phone call can take real effort. That even if we speak the language well, we still can’t find the words in a group. Or that loneliness can hit us even after a good day at work, because there is no one to grab a spontaneous coffee with.
Life abroad has a psychological side that we rarely talk about before the move. Yet it is often these everyday difficulties that decide how much at home we feel in our new surroundings.
What does psychological research tell us about this, and what can help us find our place more easily?
Why can it be hard even when everything is going well?
Imagine someone landing the job they have wanted for a long time. The salary is good, the colleagues are kind, the apartment is fine. In fact, everything has turned out exactly as planned. And yet they don’t really feel good.
This is when a familiar thought can creep in: What is wrong with me? Everything is fine. I should be happy. But adjusting to life abroad is far more complex than whether we are satisfied with our job or our living conditions.
Many people have heard of the so-called U-curve of culture shock. According to this model, initial excitement is followed by a harder period, after which we gradually feel better and better. Research, however, does not clearly support the idea that adjustment unfolds this predictably for everyone.
In one British–Italian study, for example, researchers followed the experiences of a female Erasmus student for six months. While her social life was going very well by the second week, her academic difficulties only appeared later – showing that we may adjust at different speeds in different areas of our lives.
We may already move confidently at work, while everyday admin still makes us anxious. Or we may have picked up the language easily, yet somehow making friends just isn’t happening.
Psychology distinguishes three important areas of adjustment: emotional adjustment, which means coping with stress and difficult feelings; behavioural adjustment, that is, learning new customs and rules; and adjustment related to our identity, in which we have to find our place – and ourselves – again in a new environment.
These processes are connected, but they don’t necessarily progress at the same pace.
When we don’t feel like ourselves in another language
Many people moving abroad worry most about the language. They assume the biggest challenge will be vocabulary, grammar or pronunciation. In practice, though, the problem is often not that we can’t say what we want, but that we can’t say it the way we want to. In our native language we may joke easily, react quickly and express ourselves with nuance. In a foreign language, all of this can take much more energy.
By the time we find the right expression, the conversation has moved on. We hold back a joke because we are not sure it will land the same way. We simplify a more complex thought because we can’t phrase it precisely. As a result, we may come across as much quieter and more reserved in a group than we really are.
The student in the study mentioned above described a similar experience. She thought that communicating in a foreign language was mainly a matter of language skills, and did not expect that for a long time she would not feel like herself in English. This experience can also affect our self-confidence. Sometimes it can feel as if we have become a slightly different person.
Our personality doesn’t disappear, of course, but we still have to learn how to show who we are in another language. This takes time and patience. And it may also help to realise that we are not alone with this feeling.
We can know lots of people and still feel lonely
For many, one of the biggest challenges of moving abroad is rebuilding relationships.
At home we often take it for granted that we are surrounded by people we have built relationships with over many years. We don’t have to explain where we come from, what our family is like, or why we react to certain situations the way we do. We share memories and know each other’s stories.
In a new country, all of this has to be built almost from scratch. In the early period, many people find company fairly easily, especially among other foreigners. A shared situation can bring people together quickly. But this does not necessarily replace old, deep friendships. We may have plans every weekend and still miss someone we could call at any time. Someone with whom we don’t have to appear put-together, and whom we can tell how we are doing even if we have simply had a bad day.
Research also suggests that the number and the depth of our social relationships are not the same thing. Building connections with locals can be especially difficult. Besides language and cultural differences, another factor may be that locals already have their own social networks, established lives and daily routines.
All this can easily feel like personal rejection, even though it is often not about us at all.
At the same time, a lack of social support can have serious consequences. According to a literature review on people working abroad, it can play a significant role in someone giving up on life abroad early. So it is worth seeing relationship-building as an important part of adjustment – while accepting that deep friendships take time to form.
When we move with our partner or family
When we move abroad as a couple or a family, we don’t necessarily go through the same experience. For one partner, the move may mean career progress, new opportunities and exciting challenges. The other, however, may be losing much of what used to make up their everyday life: their work, their colleagues, their own income, their usual routine, their friends. Often even the sense of knowing exactly where they belong and what they are good at.
This can be especially hard if they can’t find work in the new country, or can’t work at all for a while. From the outside it may even look as if they have it easier. From the inside, though, it can feel completely different. Meanwhile, it is not necessarily easy for the partner whose job prompted the move either. They may feel the weight of responsibility, or guilt that their own success comes at the cost of their partner’s sacrifices. If these feelings remain unspoken, over time they can create tension.
Children’s adjustment also deserves special attention. A new nursery or school, an unfamiliar language, missing friends and the loss of familiar surroundings can be a burden for them too.
It is important to keep in mind that, even within a family, not everyone adjusts at the same speed. Just because one family member already feels at home doesn’t mean another doesn’t still need time and support.
And what happens when we move back home?
We talk about it less, but returning home can also require significant adjustment. This is known as reverse culture shock. During our years abroad we change. We pick up new habits, gain different experiences, and perhaps our view of the world shifts too. Meanwhile, life back home doesn’t stand still either. So when we return, we may find that we don’t immediately feel at home in our old, familiar surroundings either.
People around us often expect everything to pick up where it left off. But we may no longer be quite the same person we were when we left.
That is why it is worth thinking of moving back home as another process of adjustment.
What can help us adjust?
According to research, adjustment can be supported by, among other things, realistic expectations, emotional stability, the ability to tolerate uncertainty, social support and good preparation.
A few things worth keeping in mind:
- Don’t judge how life abroad is going on the basis of a single feeling. We may already be doing well in some areas while still needing support in others.
- Give yourself time. Adjustment is not a race. A harder week, or homesickness that flares up after a visit home, doesn’t necessarily mean we made the wrong decision.
- Keep your relationships back home, but give new ones a chance too. Old friends and family can be an important source of emotional support while new relationships gradually develop.
- Don’t expect yourself to be exactly the same in a foreign language as in your native one. This way of expressing yourself develops too, and over time it can feel more and more natural.
- Talk about the difficulties. This is especially important if the move affects your partner or family members differently.
When is it worth seeing a psychologist?
Moving abroad can bring many opportunities and positive experiences, but it can also be a significant emotional strain. Homesickness, uncertainty or occasional loneliness are not necessarily a problem in themselves. However, if these feelings persist, become more intense, or start to affect everyday life, it may be worth reaching out for help.
Psychological support can also be helpful if the move has changed the way we see ourselves, if we are struggling to find our place, or if tension is building in our relationship or family.
There is no need to wait until the difficulties become serious.
Sometimes we simply need to be able to talk calmly, without judgement, about what we are going through. When living abroad this can be especially meaningful, because we can often describe our feelings most accurately in our native language.
As a psychologist, I work online and in person with Hungarians living abroad, as well as with international residents living in Hungary. I offer sessions in both Hungarian and English.
If you feel that a little support would help you with the challenges of life abroad, or you would like to better understand what is going on inside you, get in touch.
You can book an appointment at anitasarkany.com.
Sources
- Beaven, A. & Spencer-Oatey, H. (2016). Cultural adaptation in different facets of life and the impact of language: a case study of personal adjustment patterns during study abroad. Language and Intercultural Communication. wrap.warwick.ac.uk/78587
- Truax, L. (2008). Working Abroad: A Qualitative Study on Cultural Adjustments and Difficulties While Working With Other Cultures. UW-L Journal of Undergraduate Research XI.
- Xenidis, Y. & Gallou, M. (2014). Engineers selecting a country to work abroad: The critical factors to decide. Procedia Engineering 85, 553–561.
- Abdimuminova, S. (2025). The opportunities and difficulties of studying abroad for university students. International Conference on Medicine, Science, and Education, 2(5).
- Nicolescu, A. (2017). The protection of children with parents left for work abroad. Social Sciences and Education Research Review, 4(2), 209–214.
- Motivations for Study and Work Abroad. In: James, W. B. & Cobanoglu, C. (eds.) (2018). Advances in Global Education and Research, Vol. 2. USF M3 Publishing.
